Mental state

Last night I had one more panic attack. Ryland has been amazing, school is alright, work hasn't been too bad, and I have a great family support system. That is the outside looking in. But if you are female or spend enough time with any you know that we all over think everything! So this week as you saw in my previous blog there has been some problems with my husband's and my relationship. Well, see that slowly got worked out, then another sexual problem came up and we had not dealt with that..I was looking at it from a Christian standpoint and a 20 year old's stand point. The two do not mix. Also, I want school to be perfect! I want to be getting my 4.0 that I was getting before I had a child and worked more. Work.. comes with a whole new set of issues that I cannot even handle ever! That is just the begining in a nut shell.

Last night...

I got home to clean my house, had play time with my child, got him in bed and began doing math homework which was due at midnight. Waiting on some answers about the bible from a friend (i was very exited to find out) .Thinking about 'the end of the world' and my messy house. Today is my day off and I am going to be out all day. At like 1030 last night my boss texted me and asked if i can cover a verrry short open shift. I was SOO MAD! But I said yes because it seemed like he needed it. Then I finished my math homework in which I was very upset with. Then Trevor came home and I was just in a bad mood!

Did i forget to mention that for the last like five days I have gone to bed at like 3 because of one reason or another? yeah sooo running on E for sleep.

Anyway, very bad mood. So I began thinking about everything again.. Everything listed above and the fact that I have not spent much time with God this week and I did not even care. Even after the sex, school, baby, work crap. So by 130 I started freaking out about everything and I felt so weak, I could not left my hands.

I was crying and yelling at Trevor and feeling horrible. I just wanted to disappear.

LONG STORY SHORT :

I figured out my plate is too full. My bar is too high. I need to find a happy medium.
I finally calmed down enough to talk to Trevor and apologized for everything! I told him the sex stuff was not right and did not matter. I told him I just want to do well at O.C for this quarter so I can continue with Pennfoster and get my personal training certificate by October. (which I'm not ready for) Then I asked him if he would pray with me. I have never prayed like that before. I just cried and begged God for forgiveness and help in my issues that we are having. I kind of just talked to God about the wrong I have done and nothing else. I needed it but it was a weird experience. I feel so much better though. There is so much of the issue that I did not put on here. But God knows. I trust him to lead me down the right path.

In other news, today is going to be crazy. I have been asked to do so much this weekend and my truck is not useable. SOO it is going to be a little hectic! So I cover a shift then going out with a co worker to help get a surprise party ready, then partying, then going to my sister-in-law's play I hope. On top of hw, taking care of a friend, cleaning my house, and with a baby.

My friend Vita, her mom has breast cancer, and they got in this huge fight and now her mom is not talking to her. Since I am like a sister to Vita I called her mom and she did not answer. We both are really worried and hope that she is okay. So please pray for them.

There is more but I cannot think of it right now. This is just the most recent stuff. Its one of those weeks or maybe months that everyone who is married was telling me about. Its a blur and a weak moment. I just want it to be okay.