The female: a hazard to herself? maybe.

Honestly I just want to give up on everything. I have no idea what my problem is but I have just been angry and wanting to cry. I need a vacation, a doctor, a good hardcore daily work out, I cannot take any of this anymore. School, working, working out, Ryland, Trevor, family, cleaning and me. It has all become too much. 

• My house is always messy and gross because I just don't care enough to clean it because I am always trying to study or work. 
• I do not have time to work out as often as I used to and I absolutely hate my body.
•  I have to go to school for many reasons. My son needs a great roll model and my family needs a better future. I have to prove I am smart because I am ditzy and blonde and people think I am stupid when I am not. It is societies ideas that young mothers/wives don't go to college and just be homemakers. I have to be the difference. 
• I have to work to pay the bills but all the drama and old people acting like they are 12 is pushing me away from it, I want to love my job and I used too but now I cannot wait to get off.  . 
• I have no patience for anything but Ryland. I hate customers at work because of the way they treat myself and coworkers. I am barely tolerant of my fuckin neighbors in this apartment complex. I hate admitting that it's too much! It makes me feel weak.
• I also have an ingrown toenail like really bad and I have not seen an ob/gyn since I have had ry. This makes me cry. 
• I also would like to go to church EVERY SUNDAY.

This blog is not a complaint, here are the positives:

• I have an amazing beautiful son!
• I have a husband who treats me right!
• I have free baby sitters!
• I have at least partial support of my family!
• I have a home and a job!
• I can go to college!
• I have a truck!
• I pay for everything I've got (minus phone bill and part of college)!
• I live somewhere where I know my child at least gets free state medical when needed!
• I live somewhere where major comunicatable diseases are not.
• I am physically able to do everything.
• I have freedom of religion.
• I have a roof over my family's head and clothes on our back! 
• I can afford gas! 

See? Not a complaint, just me stating how so badly I need a break. Not from my child like most people said I would before I had him. I need a break from being treated like crap by stupid customers, I need a break from homework and fear of failing, I need to get away from my messy apartment. It needs to be long enough to find a family doctor and medical insurance and still have fun and make memories. Too bad it cannot happen any time soon. I am trapped inside my head as long as I live like this which has proven to be a bad thing in the past. I just need a break :(

life update

Trevor is telling me how I was crying over him fighting with drum auger in his dream aahahaha.. anyway... I am posting this update to share some news: yesterday the army recruiter called and said Trevor can go to meps next week YAYY! It is going to be a big change for everyone! I have decided that after this quarter at OC I am done there until I get my personal training certificate then I am going to be done with Dominos and I will go back to OC when my family and I are ready for that. I have my first math test for this quarter on Wednesday and I have decided to change my study schedule. Trevor has gone back and forth on his weight and he has changed up his work out schedule so he can get in to the Army. I am sooo thankful for his help and love and kindness and support. He is amazing! Ryland is 9 months old on Saturday. He stands on his own every now and then. He also tries to talk. He gives me 'i am a goofball' faces, he eats everything, and bounces when he is happy which is almost constant. He does not verbally say anything yet but he shakes and nods his head when he has choices. My life is looking so perfect right now, we definitely have our rough moments but I would not change anything!