everything

Things finally seem back to normal. No relationship issues. No arguments. Work is good. School is good. Home is fairly clean. Timing seems alright. Today was great. We all got up this morning and ate together and played a bit then Ryland was ready for a nap. So we all took a nap and got up at 1230 and got ready to go out for the day. Ry and I walked to Safeway and Walmart when Trevor went to work. We had no food in the kitchen so I kinda needed to go while I was out I surprised my wonderful husband with lunch and got Ryland some apple juice, Then Ryland and I went home and shared a sandwich and played with toys and played outside. Then he started getting so fussy so I gave him a deal he could not refuse: bath, love, baba, story, and bed! It worked he was out in ten minutes! I think we would love me being a stay at home mom I just am not sure how that would work out.. just kinda expressing my feelings on that (point of this post). I need to do something with my life to be successful in my opinion. Keeping a clean house, faithful relationship and happy family is success to me. But staying at home all the time to do it all myself does not sound ideal. I have always wanted to be active whether it be cheer leading, dancing, military workouts, video workouts, going on walks, or any sport. In like junior high I decided that is what I am really interested in but I recently figured out that I want that to be my life. I just love to be active and since I have had Ryland I have been having serious withdraws. This is my last week at olympic college for like at least two quarters. That way I can focus on my lil family and my personal training certificate. I have been thinking about all of that today. The only thing is I cannot stop thinking about Adam. I spent all day being busy with my little man but at the end of the day all I can think about is the most recent lost friend. I really hope this passes. I am so thankful for all the people in my life though. It hurts so much to see people who were closer to him be in so much pain and to think about his family.. Also I miss my best friend, matt. who was touched by him. BLAH. I just miss all of that. When I think about it I feel numb. All of the recent stuff makes me want to talk to people and be close to people but I always have that fear of getting hurt or things being awkward or too much drama. I am socially awkward.. ha. No kidding though. It seems as though Adam's passing is forcing that to change. So yeah that is everything for right now...

may 27 2011 #2

In lighter news : Things have been getting pretty good since my last freak out. Rybug is getting so capable! My husband is so amazing and helpful! I have less than two weeks of college left then I get a break from that for a while while I focus on getting my personal training certificate. After I get my certificate, depending on where my little family is in life, I will go back to school I am not sure for what yet though. The the summer is going to be so busy though!

-both sides of my parents are going on a vacation so there is house sitting
-Ry's next doc apt,
-Ry's first brithday
-Ry's first dentist apt.
-My besties birthday (hope she will be home)
-working hard to get rid of the last of my baby weight
-celebrating our anniversary
-cousins birthdays
-friends sons birthday
-working
-studying for my cert.
-getting Trev into the military.

Its going to be busy but a nice break from oc and less stressful. I love my son and husband .. but yeah there was the most recent update. :)

may 27 2011

So much happened today. Last night was horrible Ryland was up all freakin night! Trevor let me sleep a little then we both got up with Ry again this morning then all slept till 1130 then I woke up to a text 'Adam Patton died'. I said what?, wow.

This is the first time Ryland has stayed up all night and I have lost some one so close. Everyone who has died in the last year just keeps getting closer and closer. My best friend called me this morning and it has been too long since I have talked to him. He made me crack, I have never cried because of someone dying and after hearing Matt talk about Adam just made me cry. It was a whole new kind of cry. All I have been able to think about is I am never going to see him in person again. Some day I will in spirit but not in person. It also makes me wonder who is next. I wont be able to see him in ten years and ask what he has been doing with himself. So many people I know and have known for the last five years were hurt by his leaving. I know we all know that he is in a much better place that is way bigger than any of us. We all also have awesome memories until we meet again.

I have decided to do my best to love unconditionally because of this year so far. I want to spend as much time with anyone or everyone because it is not worth getting mad or judgmental (which we all do, which is why we avoid each other) to have them be up and gone the next day.

I am so thankful for God teaching us lessons from something we think is so negative. He really is in a better place and he died honorably; no matter how we feel that is the truth. RIP Adam you will be missed.

Mental state

Last night I had one more panic attack. Ryland has been amazing, school is alright, work hasn't been too bad, and I have a great family support system. That is the outside looking in. But if you are female or spend enough time with any you know that we all over think everything! So this week as you saw in my previous blog there has been some problems with my husband's and my relationship. Well, see that slowly got worked out, then another sexual problem came up and we had not dealt with that..I was looking at it from a Christian standpoint and a 20 year old's stand point. The two do not mix. Also, I want school to be perfect! I want to be getting my 4.0 that I was getting before I had a child and worked more. Work.. comes with a whole new set of issues that I cannot even handle ever! That is just the begining in a nut shell.

Last night...

I got home to clean my house, had play time with my child, got him in bed and began doing math homework which was due at midnight. Waiting on some answers about the bible from a friend (i was very exited to find out) .Thinking about 'the end of the world' and my messy house. Today is my day off and I am going to be out all day. At like 1030 last night my boss texted me and asked if i can cover a verrry short open shift. I was SOO MAD! But I said yes because it seemed like he needed it. Then I finished my math homework in which I was very upset with. Then Trevor came home and I was just in a bad mood!

Did i forget to mention that for the last like five days I have gone to bed at like 3 because of one reason or another? yeah sooo running on E for sleep.

Anyway, very bad mood. So I began thinking about everything again.. Everything listed above and the fact that I have not spent much time with God this week and I did not even care. Even after the sex, school, baby, work crap. So by 130 I started freaking out about everything and I felt so weak, I could not left my hands.

I was crying and yelling at Trevor and feeling horrible. I just wanted to disappear.

LONG STORY SHORT :

I figured out my plate is too full. My bar is too high. I need to find a happy medium.
I finally calmed down enough to talk to Trevor and apologized for everything! I told him the sex stuff was not right and did not matter. I told him I just want to do well at O.C for this quarter so I can continue with Pennfoster and get my personal training certificate by October. (which I'm not ready for) Then I asked him if he would pray with me. I have never prayed like that before. I just cried and begged God for forgiveness and help in my issues that we are having. I kind of just talked to God about the wrong I have done and nothing else. I needed it but it was a weird experience. I feel so much better though. There is so much of the issue that I did not put on here. But God knows. I trust him to lead me down the right path.

In other news, today is going to be crazy. I have been asked to do so much this weekend and my truck is not useable. SOO it is going to be a little hectic! So I cover a shift then going out with a co worker to help get a surprise party ready, then partying, then going to my sister-in-law's play I hope. On top of hw, taking care of a friend, cleaning my house, and with a baby.

My friend Vita, her mom has breast cancer, and they got in this huge fight and now her mom is not talking to her. Since I am like a sister to Vita I called her mom and she did not answer. We both are really worried and hope that she is okay. So please pray for them.

There is more but I cannot think of it right now. This is just the most recent stuff. Its one of those weeks or maybe months that everyone who is married was telling me about. Its a blur and a weak moment. I just want it to be okay.

new relationship

I am on my period and hormones are going crazy. I love my husband very much, like no one would ever understand! On Saturday a couple we know told Trevor that they are swingers and have been for a while. The man in this relationship told Trevor that he brought home 4 females the other day. When I asked Trevor why a married man of his stature tell him this now... He says 'I don't know probably to brag.' I was very offended by that statement. Why is a married man 'bragging' to another married man about having many other different women in his bed? This made me very curious so I looked up info on swingers and why. Looking that up just bothered me. I am Christian and it is wrong to be doing this in God's eyes. So, therefore, it is wrong in my eyes. But this just made me non stop make me think about sex... like how I used to be in high school. It was pathetic. Then I met a guy, who is in the Army, he gave me his number and we began sexual things.. but not sex. I feel so fuckin dumb and horrible. I told Trevor, I felt like shit, but he just looked at me in the eyes and said it was okay. He forgave me just like that! He said he was not going to let something that small ruin us. I was also hating myself because I did not want God to send me to hell, because in the bible it is cheating. The next day we went through just fine, but I still hated what I did. Then that night we discussed what sexual desires each other had and we some how decided pretty much to be single for the next three weeks. Thinking about it made me sick, I was dry heaving, sweating, getting dizzy, and when I went and saw Trevor today at walmart I was just crying and told him that we cannot do that. It is not okay and I could not stand the thought of anyone getting in between us. He said that it was okay and we did not have to at all, he said he would not want to hurt us at all. In between all this I felt like all he was thinking of was about the 'bragging.' I hated the thought of him wanting to be able to do that and be married even though he said he did not. Trevor says he was not thinking about that and he would never do anything like that. I have been doing a lot of not okay sexual relationship things because of this fear. I have been a horrible, sluty, piece of crap. I want God to forgive me and I have asked.   Trevor forgave me in a blink of an eye, he said God will too, and he just loved me. I love that man with everything I have and I hope I can be as forgiving as him with anyone in my life. I am terribly sorry for what I did. I realize it was wrong and hurtful for many people. It probably does not make since to you, and you are probably going to judge us and say a lot of bad things. The only person who's opinion matters is Gods and this is my way of saying sorry. I feel stupid, immature, whorish, and like I do not deserve what I have. It is interesting to see what you may have to say or what you feel about God and marriage though. feel free..

How to Kill Someone With Kindness | eHow.com

How to Kill Someone With Kindness | eHow.com

Prayer

Prayer is an amazing thing. God does listen to our problems, he does forgive, he loves EVERYONE no matter what SIN unconditionally.

Since Ryland has been born I have felt hopeless. Work has been crappy, I have been very judge mental of others and I have forgotten some important things in my life. These issues led to many panic and asthma attacks so bad to the point where I cannot see straight there for walking around was not a smart option. I had my most recent attack last night, it was really bad, I was really mean to Trevor. After he had got me calmed down I told him what I need as a mom, wife, student, 19 yr old, employee and female. He listened. This morning I went and worked out while him and Ryland slept. Then I went to the water front to observe everything go has blessed me with and I prayed, I cried out to God to forgive me for my sins and lead me down the path he wants me to go. Then I read the bible about how the temple of God was rebuilt and it showed me what kind of faith I need to have in God to have a great relationship with him. Then tonight when I went to work a friend of mine says the doctor thinks she has cervical cancer. She has no medical and is broke (can not pay rent or anything) because of the stupid medical tests. My mom had cervical cancer and I was so scared for her, I love my mama and I did not want anything to harm her! I don't want anything to take my friend away either, and the cancer may not just be cervical. I am going to pray for her nerves and her strength to get through this and to remember that God is walking with her, I am praying for the doctors to figure out what is wrong so she can afford herself again, I am praying that she have patients and for everyone around her   to take to this well. I am frightened when I hear the word cancer, I know everything happens for a reason and I hope that she does too.

osama bin laden

Really? This new topic that is going to go on forever is annoying. It is just another dead almost Hitler. yay. Also if another person says anything about Obama being the only one who led us to justice I will punch them.
In the face.
Twice.

Other than that...

today was okay. Ryland was a bit of a trouble maker this morning but it was sooo hard not to laugh at him!