everything

Things finally seem back to normal. No relationship issues. No arguments. Work is good. School is good. Home is fairly clean. Timing seems alright. Today was great. We all got up this morning and ate together and played a bit then Ryland was ready for a nap. So we all took a nap and got up at 1230 and got ready to go out for the day. Ry and I walked to Safeway and Walmart when Trevor went to work. We had no food in the kitchen so I kinda needed to go while I was out I surprised my wonderful husband with lunch and got Ryland some apple juice, Then Ryland and I went home and shared a sandwich and played with toys and played outside. Then he started getting so fussy so I gave him a deal he could not refuse: bath, love, baba, story, and bed! It worked he was out in ten minutes! I think we would love me being a stay at home mom I just am not sure how that would work out.. just kinda expressing my feelings on that (point of this post). I need to do something with my life to be successful in my opinion. Keeping a clean house, faithful relationship and happy family is success to me. But staying at home all the time to do it all myself does not sound ideal. I have always wanted to be active whether it be cheer leading, dancing, military workouts, video workouts, going on walks, or any sport. In like junior high I decided that is what I am really interested in but I recently figured out that I want that to be my life. I just love to be active and since I have had Ryland I have been having serious withdraws. This is my last week at olympic college for like at least two quarters. That way I can focus on my lil family and my personal training certificate. I have been thinking about all of that today. The only thing is I cannot stop thinking about Adam. I spent all day being busy with my little man but at the end of the day all I can think about is the most recent lost friend. I really hope this passes. I am so thankful for all the people in my life though. It hurts so much to see people who were closer to him be in so much pain and to think about his family.. Also I miss my best friend, matt. who was touched by him. BLAH. I just miss all of that. When I think about it I feel numb. All of the recent stuff makes me want to talk to people and be close to people but I always have that fear of getting hurt or things being awkward or too much drama. I am socially awkward.. ha. No kidding though. It seems as though Adam's passing is forcing that to change. So yeah that is everything for right now...